Honestly Therapeutic

If your child struggles with anxiety, you’ve probably already tried to help. Maybe you sit with them and say something like, “I can see you’re feeling anxious—let’s take some deep breaths.” That’s a wonderful instinct, and it comes from love. But you may have also noticed… sometimes it makes things worse.

Here’s why: deep down, kids can sense when we’re not fully accepting their emotions. If we rush to help them “calm down,” what they hear is: “This feeling isn’t okay. We need to get rid of it fast.” And truthfully, sometimes that is what we’re feeling. I’ve done this myself—not as a parent of an older child (my little one is still a baby), but in my work with many kids over the years. I know how easy it is to want the hard feelings to just go away.

Often, a child’s anxiety shows up as anger first. That’s normal. Meet the anger with calm presence and gentle boundaries if needed. Then, when they’re calmer (and only if they’re ready), they may tell you what’s underneath—what they’re worried about. In that moment, slow way down. Resist the urge to rush in and fix it. Jumping too quickly into solutions can make kids feel like we don’t trust them to have any ideas of their own.

Instead, your job is to be curious and present. If your child isn’t ready to share, you can make a gentle guess—from your own experience. For example: “Well, you may not feel this way, but I remember when I first started 2nd grade, I felt like I didn’t fit in. Sometimes it made me mad, but really I was worried I’d never find friends.” They may or may not take the bait, but what matters is that you’re showing them you’re not afraid of their feelings.

The truth is, when kids feel that steady presence, they often find their own ways to self-soothe—whether it’s taking deep breaths, getting a snack, or putting on a favorite song. You can offer ideas gently, but sometimes less really is more. The most powerful tool you have is your calm, unhurried presence.

Kids don’t need us to erase their anxiety—they need us to sit with it.